i've been, what the french call, a "grump" lately.

ive been in a pretty crummy mood the past few days. i don't really know what set me off, but yesterday i got in a really really bad mood.

part of me has been doing a lot of thinking about my life. what i want out of it. what i have to give. and what it really is going to be like. i am fairly happy with my life. i think i have a lot of things going for me right now, and i love that.

but sometimes, i feel i don't offer enough. sometimes i feel i am not wanted around by people. i feel as if i'm some kind of bumout or not fun enough to be around.

lately ive been pretty bummed out about krissy and i. we haven't done anything by ourselves or anything besides sit around and watch tv. the past few weekends she has gone to akron to hang out with her friends, while i've done nothing but sit at home. we don't go out anymore, and it really just bums me out. I asked her if she wanted to go to the show we are playing this weekend and she blew me off and just said, "no."

it seems she has been doing a bit better with her depression. she's been in better moods, and ive been doing my best in dealing with her with this. ive been very supportive and trying to help her along with it. but at the same point, while i try my best with this, it seems to bring me down to a level where i bottle things like this up and it starts to get me depressed about things.

another thing that has been on my mind lately, and maybe i'm really blowing this out of proportion, is something that has to do with brianna. Krissy always used to refer to me to brianna as "dad." and while yes, i am not her dad, she used to call me it all the time. it felt nice, because i would do anything for her. but she doesnt call me that anymore. i'm not sure what im more confused about, that she doesnt call me that anymore, or the fact that krissy stopped referring me as that.

and lastly, i think one thing that has bugged me most is that i am lost as to where we stand as in getting married. we havent taqlked about plans at all. and she doesnt want to talk about it. and lately everyone and their mother have been asking me what the plans are, and i just feel lost.

maybe im over reacting about a lot of things, but its just been eating me inside.

lately, I've been feeling pretty uneasy about some of my "friendships" with people. And some have been real strong lately... but, more of the uneasiness.

Florida has been fun so far. Although I really miss home. More importantly I really miss Krissy and Brianna.

I got in Sunday night. I spent a few hours at the Great Lakes brewery at Hopkins airport watching football and drinking beers. I got to the aiport way to early. I thought my plane left at 4:45, but it wasn't til 5:55. The flight was quick. Just under 2 hours. I got to sit in the emergency aisle. I love that seat because there is so much leg room.

Got in and had a few beers and went to sleep. I was tired from the flight and we had to be up to play golf at 9:00am. Golf was good. we played at the course my parents live on down here. I played pretty well, considering that I was using my old clubs. I really dont like my old clubs, so it was really hard for me to get used to them. I did play well though. I shot a 79.

After golf we hung out by the pool for a bit and came back and made some dinner and just hung out. It was someting i needed. just a nice day to relax.

Yesterday, we played golf at a place called Shadow Wood. The place was unbelieveable. The golf course was beautiful and very hard. the fairways were tight and at some points only about 15 yards wide. The grass down here, in the rough, makes it really hard to get out of. it's really thick and makes it hard to get out of if you're in it. the greens were lightning fast, so putting was hard. Not to mention there was water and massive sand traps on every hole.

After golf we went to dinner at Big Al's. I love that place. Great food, and Yeungling on tap. What more could you ask for?

Today is going to be spent by sitting by the pool and just relaxing. I think later on I will go out and hit up Coconut Point(Mall) and maybe head over to the outlets. That is always my favorite part of coming here.

I come home tomorrow at around 4:30. Im looking forward to seeing Krissy and spending a few days left on my vacation with her.

i'm pretty irked today.
today i found out there wa sa "new" job created.
it was something i think i was very well qualified for.
turns out, because i turned down the job i was offered last week, they didnt consider me for this one. and my boss blatenly lied to me about it, and denied it was the reason i wasnt considered. after i found this out i ripped him a new asshole.

after stewing over it in the car on the way home, i decided, i am now going to finish up my degree and get the fuck out.

ive had this really bad migrane for about 5 days now. it's gotten to the point that i sometimes have to squint out of one eye to see. it's pretty painful and i havent had one of these headaches in a long time. sometimes it gets to the point that i start to get nausea.

Chris and Jamie got married over the weekend. I was honored to be the best man for their wedding. the ceremony was a bit tedious, but arent they all? i will have to admit, i did get a bit teary eyed standing there. I am very happy for the both of them and wish them luck in their travelings.

The party bus was mega fun times. although i did feel like the odd man out, everyone was kind of buddied up with another couple and i was the odd man out. not a big deal but whatever.

the reception was good. i had a lot of fun, but would probably have had more fun if krissy was in a better mood. brianna got sick, krissy was worried and didnt have a good time. i didnt even get to dance with her at all, which was a major bumout.

I think my best man speech went alright. i was pretty nervous about giving it. all in all it was a beautiful day and night.

tonight we had to cancel our show. i really really hate canceling shows. and i dont think we ever have. hell, we didnt cancel the lewd acts show, we had joe play bass for frank. but tonight, there is no way i can function properly. there is no physical way i can sing/scream tonight. if i do i think my head would just explode. so with that being said we have to cancel tonight's show with Vitamin X.


GO BROWNS.

playlist:

• chokehold - "content with dying"
• moment - "songs for the self-destructive"
• reverse the curse - "paths"
• midnight - "slay the spits"
• helmet - "strap it on"

today has been a semi good day.
sometimes i really get annoyed with the guys who work for me. i bust their chops, they bust mine. i can dish it and i can take it just fine. it just really bugs me when i am "being the boss." I have an employee who is a great worker and works hard, but is kind of slow and slacks off here and there. last weekend i got a little angry with him with because he took forever doing his orders. so this carried over the weekend and onto monday afternoon. i asked him why he didnt do a simple task that he is required to do, and his response was "i ran out of time."

i told him his response was unacceptable. because it was. as much time as he wastes, he could have gotten it done. so i called him tuesday and confronted him about it. he was short with me. so lateron in the day i met up with him and he was really snippy with me, so i asked again what was wrong? and no answer. so being the guy who gets irritated when people ignore you, i made a comment to him, somehting along the lines of, "so what youre not going to talk to me because i yelled at you and asked you why you didnt perform your job?" and got no answer. This irks me more than anything, when people dont respond to questions. So i said fine, finish your job and go home, i dont need you the rest of the day.

Today i found out he was talking all kinds of shit on me to the rest of my guys. I don't take kindly to that. I like to be everyone's friend. But I need to be the boss first and foremost. I am off the next 3 days, but will make it a point to have a sit down with said employee about his actions.

this set me off to be in a pretty crummy mood for the day. I came home, ate some lunch and went back to work. There I had a conversation with a manager of my account who had put me in a better mood.

I cut the grass and cleaned up the backyard and picked up brianna from school. I'm about to make some dinner and then head to the mall with joe to pick up my tux for chris and jamie's wedding on saturday.

good times will be had this weekend.
i am excited for chris and jamie.
i am also excited to see dave and lindsey's newborn.


t-minus 9 days til Florida!